


I stop somewhere waiting for you

by AliveArsenic



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Blood and Gore, F/F, God Bondage, Mildly Dubious Consent, Praise Kink, Self-Penetration, Space fuckery, Tentabulges, Xenobiology, definitely be on the lookout for the blood and gore tag though, i mean it's Homestuck but you know, i wish i could say it's a PWP but there's just not enough smut i'm sorry, it's not there to be pretty, whoops i think i put a lot more of my kinks than intended
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-30
Updated: 2018-08-30
Packaged: 2019-07-04 09:54:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15838854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AliveArsenic/pseuds/AliveArsenic
Summary: To anyone not involved, it seems obvious that Kanaya should go and take care of that mess, not only because she's the one who takes care of messes anyway, but because it's Space-related, and even though they wished the game was behind them, it always finds a way to sneak back into their lives and make them play by its rules.So Kanaya has to fix things up. If only she knew how.





	I stop somewhere waiting for you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [nachttour](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nachttour/gifts).



> Hello to you, dear giftee, and happy Drone Season challenge !  
> I hope you'll like this gift ! I'll upload the second chapter pretty soon. In the meantime, you can have that rough 10000 words of god fuckery like you wanted (there's another 10000 coming, don't worry !) I tried to mix two prompts you'd given into one big thing - sorry I didn't include oviposition as it's something I'm absolutely not familiar with, but I hope it's weird enough for you... ? I had a ton of fun writing it anyway ! Homestuck weirdness mixed with porn is one of my all times fave :3  
> Sorry for the possible grammar and vocabulary mistakes, English isn't my first language, I hope it won't be too distracting ! Thank you so much for your cool prompts, and I wish you a happy challenge !  
> PS - wrote this with the song "Dead Inside" by Hot Sugar on repeat, available on Youtube. Maybe give it a listen if you wanna !

* * *

 

 

_“You will hardly know who I am or what I mean,_

_But I shall be good health to you nevertheless,_

_And filter and fibre your blood._

_Failing to fetch me at first keep encouraged,_

_Missing me one place search another,_

_I stop somewhere waiting for you.”_

_ Song of Myself – Walt Whitman _

 

* * *

 

 

It feels unfair, really, that it should happen to Jade.

It’s been four days, and it’s becoming obvious that she isn’t going to pull herself out of... Whatever’s happening to her right now. Rose thinks it’s something close to a burnout, or an overload; maybe Jade reached a point where she couldn’t control her powers anymore, or maybe it happened randomly, a sudden burst of energy that left her... In this state. Though Rose hasn’t gone into the room to see for herself. It’s too dangerous, Dave said.

A day later, they’re all aware of what happened to Jade. Two days later, everyone is exchanging anxious hypothesises and possible solutions. By the third day no one expects a miracle anymore. Rose goes to study and gather every bit of information she could find – but what could they possibly find on this earth they don’t already know about? Dirk offers to send cameras, to check on her somehow, and it’s better than furiously pacing in the same room, all of them gods and legends suddenly reminded that they’re just the containers of a power too vast and too ancient for them to understand.

The cameras only send back TV snow and bright flashes of colour, yellow blue red green on Dirk’s living room monitor, but no visible shapes, no good data, no Jade at all. Dave and John are both livid. Dave’s explained what he saw a hundred times already – Kanaya thinks he wanted proof that this was bad, too bad, too dangerous for him to go and try to grab his friend like he didn’t do before.

It’s Roxy who says, as the dawn of the fourth days breaks through the house’s windows:

\- If that’s space fuckery happening, maybe someone with space powers should go and take a look.

For a while, everyone stays silent.

Now, Kanaya is not exactly powerful. However, she knows she will always, in everyone’s mind, be classified as a helper. A lusus figure, perhaps, a pale-ish presence in the head of the rest of her (few) childhood friends, but also someone who bugs and fusses and meddles, and tries very hard to straighten everybody’s business, often successfully so. She brought it upon her, she knows she can’t escape it now, and although time has made everyone aware of her flaws, to them she is still someone you can go to if you’ve got a problem, any sort of problem.

And it’s not like she doesn’t want to help Jade, anyway. It’s simply so unfair. And it’s convenient, Kanaya’s powers, Roxy’s right, out of all of them she’s the only one who may get a cosmic clue, so. She doesn’t mind.

That’s why it’s the middle of the fourth day of Jade being – _ill_ , Rose said, _in serious need of help_ , said John, and _fucked-up_ , said Dave – and Kanaya’s standing before the young woman’s bedroom door, and she’s ready to try to help.

Now she already feels them, the cracks, the invisible sparks of power that run through the wooden floors and around the doorframe like cockroaches. They go through her shoes, make the tiny hair on her nape go up, stiffen her hands. The old taste of blood coats her mouth; instinctively, Kanaya licks her lips.

She decides she’s not fond of the memories it brings.

Touching the doorknob makes the sparks go wild, and for a second she can see them like light-snakes around her fingers, a bright acid green that she hurriedly waves away. They disappear in a flash, but leave a displeasing tingling sensation in her flesh, in her bones.

Old blood tastes stronger now. For the first time since she’s entered the silent, unlit house, Kanaya is afraid of what she’s going to find behind that door.

It opens with a creak, but opens nonetheless. Kanaya feels her pupils dilate as she makes a first step into the room. Like the rest of the house, Jade’s bedroom’s dark, the windows are closed; it would feel abandoned if not for the strong smell of sickness and electricity in the air, and Kanaya’s sixth sense telling her that _something is here with her_.

She doesn’t close the door behind her. The sunlight bounces off the hall’s walls and turns the darkness into much more manageable dark greys. After a while, Kanaya manages to make sense of shapes in the room, a desk, a bed, an absurdly huge wardrobe. She can’t remember for the life of her if she’s ever been in Jade’s bedroom before. She reckon she must have – why wouldn’t she have?

She takes another careful step. The wooden floors shift ever so slightly under her weight and that’s when she hears it: breathing, slow, pained maybe? A little to the left, right in front of her, in the darkest patch of dark.

She freezes for a second. Dave’s warnings and panic echo in her mind – she’s, she’s dangerous, she’s not herself – that’s what he said. Should she reach out? Say something? Get closer? Let her be? Kanaya frantically thinks for a moment and tries to not think about the fact that she doesn’t have a plan, she really doesn’t – getting closer is probably a bad idea, at least for now, and going away would be, well, not doing much for what she’s trying to achieve, which is, get some intel on why Jade’s like this and she doesn’t even really know what she’s like _anyway_ –

\- Jade? she eventually calls, softly, gently.

She doesn’t really expect a reaction, so when something shifts in the darkness in front of her, she is understandably surprised.

\- Jade, it’s me, it’s Kanaya. Can you hear me?

Another shift in the darkness, and – it’s not, it’s not actually something shifting in the darkness, Kanaya realises a second too late, it’s the darkness itself, _moving_.

Two pinpoints of bright green light appear in the shadows.

The door slams shut behind her.

Kanaya’s breathing becomes, instinctively, silent.

The two lights are glowing like the eyes of feral beasts on photographs, like her own when Rose tries to surprise her with the flash of her phone camera in the middle of the night. Kanaya knows for sure that human eyes don’t glow in the dark. Now, god eyes, that may be different.

When she calls again, her claws are fully unsheathed:

\- Jade, can you hear me?

As soon as the words are out of her mouth, the green light ripples and pixelates, and Kanaya steps back again because the light is moving now, too, leaving a dusty glow behind it and as this glow stays still in the air, Kanaya hears sniffing. Not a sad kind of sniffing. A feral, bestial sort of sniffing.

\- I’m not afraid, she says quietly.

In a second, the room explodes with neon light. A picture immediately burns itself on Kanaya’s retinas as she raises her hand to protect her face, but it’s too late, she’s seen it:

It’s Jade. She’s full of holes.

Kanaya blinks furiously to wash away the tears that welled up in her eyes. To be fair, it’s not quite Jade – it’s her but there’s something about her, her limp hands, the tongue lolling out of her mouth, the way her chest spasms, and it’s not Jade-like at all. To be fair, they’re not quite holes – they would be if holes were all needle-large, and there were, what, billions of them, and all of them showed a different star, a different galaxy, and if they were lodged into one of Kanaya’s best friends’ flesh.

Jade seems dead. The holes look like windows. Again, there are tears in Kanaya’s eyes. She calls once more:

\- Jade, please, answer me!

Another flash of light, though this time’s Kanaya’s ready, and she refrains a shocked gasp as this time she sees a thousand of Jades, all a different colour, all their eyes rolling in different directions, flat and transparent like digital layers, forming a trail that seems to be stretching for miles and miles into a vast emptiness far far below them.

And this time, it’s just too much: Kanaya doesn’t hear Dave’s voice anymore, no, she doesn’t, so she reaches out.

She barely has the time to extend her fingers.

With the next flash of blinding neon green comes a familiar sensation, right below her ribcage, of being uncomfortably light. Her first terrible instinct is to press her hands against the zone, and an ice cold shiver makes her head spin when her fingers do not meet flesh.

The sob that follows is instinctive, too.

For a few seconds – though it seems like hours for her, gods, fuck, not this again please – Kanaya cannot think past the fear. She waits, frozen, for the blood to bubble and for the bile to rise and for her to just drop like a bag of cloth on the floor, and she

doesn’t

doesn’t?

Well, that’s. Uh.

Slowly, Kanaya turns her head and glances to the side: nothing. The floor is pristine, or, well, at least not covered in guts. She keeps looking, a little, just a bit – when suddenly, a stain of colour catches her eyes. She looks up – _up!_ – and sees, gods – she sees her stomach, but not – not empty, not bloody, just as if someone had cut a circle in Kanaya-shaped cookie dough and placed it two feet away from her, floating and intact and just _there_.

It’s still not something she expected to see, and another cold shiver almost knocks her out.

She quickly tears her eyes away from the sight, but what’s in front of her isn’t much prettier – the ragdoll Jades, the flattened Jades, the two eyes in pure shadow Jade. Gods, it feels like a bad dream, too surreal – Kanaya’s been through SBURB too, and yet this is still so bad, so bad, so bad.

The neon green eyes seem closer than before. Is Jade seeing this? Is Jade aware of this?

Kanaya reaches out once more. Patches of hot pink, blinding blue sizzle on her skin.

\- Jade, she croaks.

The lights do not answer. Kanaya’s skin feels unbelievably hot. She pushes through the pain, and for a split second, she swears she can see the eyes expectantly looking at her hand.

The tips of her fingers touch something soft.

Simultaneously, there’s a disgusting _crack_ noise, and Kanaya feels like she’s being _torn apart_.

For a second.

And now light shines on trees.

Kanaya takes a panicked breath of air. Gentle wind blows on her skin, ruffles her hair. It’s a warm breeze. She’s barefoot in grass, the blades shiver against her ankles. She hears crickets. Why the _fuck_ does she hear _crickets._

\- Why the fuck do I hear crickets? she says out loud, for no one, because no one’s here with her. Kanaya’s in a – what, a field? – Kanaya’s in a field and it’s night and the wind is warm and she’s alone and fuck, is she – is she dead?

She pinches her middle-section. Definitely solid. Gods, she’s totally dead, isn’t she?

She takes a couple of tentative steps in the grass. Funny, that – she expected to... Well, death’s complicated, sure, but if she had to guess where she’d end up once the Handmaid took her, she would have said Alternia. Never mind that it doesn’t exist anymore, it’s death after all, why wouldn’t it be possible? But as far as she can tell, this is not Alternia. It looks a bit like Earth, at least for now – she can’t see a moon anywhere, and even though she hears the chirp of crickets, the bugs are invisible. Maybe she can go investigate –

\- Oh, shit, she says in one breath.

Oh shit indeed, and Kanaya finds herself running through the field, because in the middle of the grass, where it’s a bit trampled and sagged and hollow, there’s a dark figure which looks suspiciously like a young woman with dark hair and a dark dress.

Kanaya kneels hurriedly before the figure. Big black curly mass of hair, brown hands, the comfortable nightgown she’s sewn herself because pyjamas were missing – yes, this is definitely her.

\- Jade, she whispers, Jade, Jade, wake up, it’s me, Kanaya.

Jade doesn’t answer. She’s face first in the dirt, and her hands are limp. She looks unconscious... Or worse. Suddenly Kanaya is aware of the fact her bloodpusher’s beating very, very fast. Dying, fine, all right, she’ll deal with it later, but Jade dying?

She gently grips the young woman’s shoulder and gives her a shake, just one. Her blood runs cold through her veins. She doesn’t feel any pulse, doesn’t smell anything alive next to her. With her other hand, she reaches for Jade’s head and tries to roll her on her side – if she can get her to open her eyes, maybe –

A large hand _crushes_ her wrist, suddenly, and two green eyes jump in her face, followed by an absurdly large toothed mouth.

Kanaya gasps. Fangs graze the skin of her nose and she cannot help herself – the hand that was going to support the head goes for the neck, and she hears a stomach-turning wet _plop_ as her claws burrow into arteries.

There’s an instant of stillness where Kanaya has to realise what’s going on: she’s got one hand on Jade’s right shoulder, pushing her away, and Jade’s head’s lolled back as her tongue trashes against her teeth. Kanaya is three fingers deep into the flesh of her throat.

Warm blood starts pumping out of the body and trickles down her arm. Blades of glass gently bend from the weight of the drops. Jade’s tongue stops twitching.

Kanaya doesn’t even have the time to say she’s sorry, or breathe, or do anything more than stare in absolute horror – she hears it again, this disgusting _crack_ , and then it’s pitch black.

Stars in the night.

A sob. A sob?

A thought later, Kanaya’s elsewhere.

This time, she doesn’t immediately get up.

There’s a lot to be thinking about, she figures, and also she may be slightly out of breath, so she simply... Rolls on her back, up towards the sky – night-time, again – and thinks.

First, her surroundings. Sand everywhere. A white band of light on the horizon, seems paler at two different places, a city maybe, or two suns – who knows? Not a lot of stars. No moons. It’s a bit cold here, much colder than wherever the fuck she was before. Her second pair of eyelids glides slowly in place as the wind picks up sand and dried leaves.

On her left, sixty-five feet or so away from her, Jade’s face first in a dune.

Jade, who totally, undeniably tried to kill her twice now.

Kanaya can feel the headache coming up.

It’s not like she didn’t have friends trying to kill her before, that’s troll slash SBURB life for you, but still, it’s not pleasant, and she definitely does not like to have to kill said friend back to ensure her own safety, especially when she’s been sent here to help them get better.

She’s alive, though, and that’s a relief. Well, she thinks, _alive_ , maybe that’s a big word. Conscious may be better suited. Or at least, the... Previous Jade was. Kanaya’s never been too fond of parallel realities shenanigans. Anyway, the previous Jade could be woken up, and she hopes with everything she’s got that this new Jade can be too.

Thing is, Jade being awoken meant Jade going berserk. It doesn’t take very long for Kanaya to conclude she’d like to avoid that problem in the future. Maybe it was – she doesn’t know, maybe her fault? Maybe Jade’s really gone wild, and waking up a wild beast usually scares it, so maybe if Kanaya was gentle and soft and maybe...

There, she thinks bitterly, that’s the thing with these parallel realities shenanigans she previously thought about, you need way too much experimenting to figure them out.

(And how many Jades does Kanaya have to “figure them out” before it’s too late?)

She ponders for a little more time. The wind settles. It could be nice, if it weren’t for the anguish that made hissbeasts out of her entrails. In the end, she really does not have any more ideas, so she sits up, dejectedly shakes the sand out of her hair, and, with a sigh, stands up to meet with Jade.

Being careful is her only option and Kanaya really does her best as she sits right next to the young woman, making sure she doesn’t disturb the sand or the ruffles of her nightgown. She’s in the same exact position than the Jade in the grass field. There’s no visible breathing, and Kanaya notices, with a sort of pity, that the dune has started to cover her legs and arms.

\- That’s really not fair, she murmurs idly before gently taking Jade’s hand with hers.

Jade does not stir. Her fingers are cold. Maybe it’s the sand. Her nails are also reflecting a bright silver light that must be coming from the sky, except there’s no moon, and that’s definitely _not_ the sand.

It takes Kanaya a couple of seconds of incredulous investigation, but in the end she does see it, the light on her hair, the shadows where nothing covers anything, the offputting colour palette – it doesn’t just look like the Jade from the field, it _is_ the Jade from the field, like someone poorly copy-pasted her and did not take the time to adjust her saturation or luminosity, which is a terrible thought when you’re talking about a living being.

Jade whimpers, and Kanaya realises she’s gripping her fingers much harder than what she should. She abruptly let her hand fall. A sense of unwanted disgust has started to rise in her throat.

\- What’s going on? she whispers, as no one answers.

This requires closer inspection. Kanaya sits up and hovers over Jade’s body (so easily she could call it _corpse_ ), hands fluttering aimlessly over the nightgown, looking for anything to pull or fix or trigger, a sign, a bug, a cause easily destroyed.

She finds none. It’s not lost yet, she tells herself – Jade’s lying on her stomach, maybe there’s something on her face, on the other side, there must be anyway, right? There must be something Kanaya can do.

The young troll retracts her claws and, with infinite gentleness, tries to push Jade on her side, as carefully as if she was helping a wriggler flipped on its back. In the middle of the process, Jade makes some kind of helpless noise, and Kanaya’s fear reaches a new peak. She stands motionless for a second, paralysed, agonising – should she keep going, or prepare for attack, she can’t defend herself in this position, her claws aren’t even unsheathed –

Then Jade shivers, a full body shiver, and falls back first with a hollow thump on the cold sand, revealing a mass of something underneath that makes every organ in Kanaya twist with absolute repulsion.

It’s – the first thing that comes to her mind, as she watches in fascinated disgust – it’s like the... Underside of an embroidery. It’s the place where it’s all wires and threads under the pretty picture, except, gods, this is no thread – this is all _veins_ and _flesh_ and, and _matter_ , pulsating, dense, dark and blinding matter, an incredible mass of blues and blacks and reds with billions of twinkling lights like sunlit flies dancing on fresh meat.

It’s grosser than gore. It’s grosser than the floating bits Kanaya left behind five minutes ago a hundred light years away. It’s space, and it’s wired into Jade – like Jade is the pretty thread-picture, and this is what they used to make her.

It’s. Awful.

 - Jade, she asks – very slowly, very calmly, so _fucking_ calm – how do I stop that?

The young woman, predictably, does not answer back. Kanaya kind of wishes she did, though, because, in all honesty, she doesn’t know what to do now. Part of her is screaming to just take Jade and pull her away in the hopes that this mess will break and let her free, like tearing a parasite off your flesh, but Kanaya also knows that Jade will likely wake up and... Gods, what if she sees this? How is she going to react? She’s already so lost and pained, Kanaya can’t let her wake up and realise what’s going on, no –

She wishes her hands steady and tries to put Jade back to where she was, even though every cell of her body vibrates with disgust at the thought – gently, gently, inch by inch, trying to put her back in the matterbed she slumbered on.

Except Kanaya’s hands, despite her wishes, are trembling, and she loathes herself for this – she’s gone soft, she’s not used to help properly anymore – and when Jade’s eyes start to flutter, all Kanaya can rely on is her genetic knowledge of death, and her fingers find their place on Jade’s nape:

\- I’m sorry, she says.

Snapping the neck is fast and easy, but doesn’t make her words sound genuine.

 _Crack_ , black, stars. Another sob, in this split moment between consciousness and consciousness anew – and something else, a word, maybe? She can’t focus, by the time she’s registering it she’s already someplace else, and it’s night-time, and it was all for nothing.

Kanaya has to wipe out her tears before thinking straight again.

Here’s the thing, about parallel universes’ people: no matter how hard you try or how good you think you are, it’s really easy to think of them as second-hand people. In Kanaya’s case, the fact that the Jades she’s encountered seem to be actual copies makes it even easier. But here’s the catch, and Kanaya’s fully aware of it (she’s been through the game like everybody else, she’s had her fair share of dreambubbles morbid encounters) – these people? They’re the alpha person of _their_ universe. Everyone’s the second-hand version of somebody else.

It’s for these reasons that killing these two Jades has left a sour taste between Kanaya’s fangs, and she has to debate with herself for a little while (in the grass again, this time, though shorter, properly mowed, blossomless and treeless, but once again there’s no one in sight) on the proper thing to do next.

It seems that she got kind of carried away with the big... Flesh threads thing. In her defence, it was a big thing, very impressive. But, she did get sidetracked and lost her primary objective: getting Jade to wake up without scaring her, so they can talk calmly about everything that’s going on, and resolve it together.

Yes. That was her goal. Well, it can be her goal again. All she has to do is to ignore the fact that Jade is tied like a scab to the skin of a rip in the middle of the universe. Easy. She’s done worse things in her youth, didn’t she?

She did.

Jade is a bit further away, and the rim of her glasses catch more moonlight than there is on this particular night. Kanaya removes them and puts them nicely folded in one of the nightgown’s pockets. The breeze makes her eyelashes flutter; of course, she does not blink. Kanaya sits behind the young woman so that the first thing she sees is not a dark silhouette with unknown intentions, though she does not know if that will be of any use (but, to be honest, she does not know if _anything_ she intends to do is going to be of any use, so...)

A shiver of shame runs up her shoulders as Kanaya starts pushing away loose strands of hair that fall on Jade’s face, tidying her in meaningless little ways; of course no one’s there to watch them, and she’s ready to bet that trolls are completely unheard of in this universe, but she still knows how the whole thing would look to someone with enough knowledge of her specie, and it’s, admittedly, a little embarrassing, which is – stupid, she knows that! Like, she’s trying to comfort someone, and that’s just how humans do it, but – she’s not human, you know? You know.

Anyway, she tries to reason, Jade would understand, so it really does not matter much, and the fact that there’s a pleasing tingling sensation behind her ears and that her claws have almost completely disappeared means nothing, really – not if it helps, not if it’s for somebody’s sake.

Jade’s face is free of hair, now; Kanaya fusses a bit and tries to find something else to do, anything – maybe her position is uncomfortable, bent like a broken twig like this, it can’t be good for her bones, right? With delicate movements, Kanaya frees Jade’s left arm from the weight of her torso, untangles her legs, shifts her so her neck doesn’t look like it’s going to snap – still incredibly cautious, aware of the smallest of moves, until Jade’s head is resting more comfortably on Kanaya’s lap and her hands are crossed more naturally on her (immobile) chest. The awful hole of fleshy threads is not visible from where Kanaya stands (or maybe she hasn’t... Triggered it, or whatever), and she is incredibly thankful for this.

For a moment, there’s quietness.

It could be nice, Kanaya thinks idly. It could be normal. Of course, she never really interacted with Jade during the game, but being immortal gods on the same planet really brings people together, and Jade and Rose had always been really close, so obviously Kanaya came to know the young woman, even if _knowing someone_ often meant in that case _drinking a lot and partaking in drunken activities with your wife and her childhood crush leading to a lot of fumbling but enthusiastic sex_ , and, hmm, all right, this is weird, probably, to think about these things while staring in Jade’s unconscious eyes.

Thankfully, embarrassment leaves place over again for this peculiar brand of pale horror that Kanaya’s been feeling for a while now, and she can focus again on her goal – Jade needs to wake up, yes, and not kill her, also yes.

Well, Kanaya has no more ideas on how to remove murder from Jade’s head, so waking her up is all she can do now. She carefully lifts her hand and, still clawless, gently strokes Jade’s cheek, the skin around her eyes, the hair that falls on her ears, intently waiting for any sign of consciousness. Her skin doesn’t seem as cold as before. Maybe it’s a good sign, Kanaya thinks, and she forces herself to cling to this morsel of hope, trying to gather enough enthusiasm to talk:

\- Jade, it’s time to wake up. Can you hear me? It’s Kanaya, I’m here. Can you hear me? You can wake up, you’re safe here, nothing will hurt you. Can you hear me?

She’s still petting the young woman’s hair, in long, regular strokes, as monotonous as can be, desperately reassuring. With every move she’s struck by how corpse-like her friend looks.

She does not mean for her voice to become so pleading, but it does so anyway:

\- Jade, please, wake up. Everyone sent me to help you. I can help you. Please, if you can hear me, give me a sign, anything at all. You’re safe here, and we can talk, I can help, I swear I’ll do anything to help.

Nothing.

And then there’s a _full body shudder_ that completely catches Kanaya off guard, and Jade can thank the gods for Kanaya’s rainbow drinker reflexes as the young troll clings to her and doesn’t throw her away like an old bad of rotten guts.

Kanaya’s bloodpusher is thumping fast against her bones. She hears it in her head, feels her pulse through Jade’s lifeless body, which is _not so lifeless anymore_ , holy shit –

Another shiver. Kanaya holds on. She so desperately wants to free her hands and touch Jade’s face, tell her it’s all right, but she fears that she will wriggle free of her embrace with another saccade, and getting a faceful of freshly mowed lawn does not qualify for a gentle awakening.

More tremors, and they’re much bigger than the last ones, much more impressive. Jade’s hands are rigid against her chest and her eyes are still wide open, seeing nothing (probably seeing nothing, but maybe it works now, maybe she actually understands –)

\- Jade, manages to say Kanaya between two shudders, Jade, it’s me, do you recognise me? It’s Kanaya. Can you hear me?

Always with the hearing, she thinks, and maybe it’s getting desperate, but hells, she _is_ desperate, blame the pale hormones, probably –

Jade’s whole body tenses, quivering in brief, electric spasms, and suddenly her mouth opens wide, and she gasps for air – it’s a terrified, useless gasp, and it looks _so much_ like she’s dying, gods, fuck!

Kanaya manages to free one of her hand, cradling Jade against her chest with her remaining arm with all the strength she still has, and cups her face in despair. Sweat starts to bead on her forehead. Jade keeps on shaking and gasping. Words have left Kanaya and she finds herself parroting her own voice, and fuck, okay, she didn’t think she’d feel this terrified ever again:

\- I’m here. I’m here. It’s okay. I’m here. Jade –

And suddenly, her tongue kind of gets caught in her own fangs and there’s a very undignified and silly hiccup as she hears herself – shit, she’s...

She’s purring, isn’t she?

It’s – her throat caught on before her brain and with the sweat and the shaking and the pain, all her body could do was launching the, the fucking pale program and she is – Jade is terrified, and Kanaya’s here with purrs so loud they could wake the Empress and tears in her eyes and she can taste the pale venom in her mouth, its particular salty taste, gods, she is – she is shooshing Jade, and really, it doesn’t feel like now is the right time for this kind of debauchery!

But it’s too late, as it often is with pale things because that’s the thing, it’s so emotional, hormones and self-poisoning and stuff, it goes so fast – she feels the white organ inside her warm up like it’s got a beat of its own and her throat purrs become absurdly loud (gods, she thinks furiously, when was the last time she went pale with someone? Too long ago, too fucking long ago and now she’s – she’s full of colourless warmth and not able to control it like a fucking six sweeps old!  Couldn’t it happen at a less reason-demanding time? If Jade dies here –)

That’s when she realises.

Jade doesn’t... Doesn’t really look like she’s about to die anymore?

The shaking has stopped, much like the gasps – no heartbeat still but there’s definitely breathing going on, ragged and uneven, sure, but it’s there, and Jade’s limbs are not so tense anymore, and she just – she looks... She looks better, she does, she does.

By gods, Kanaya is _not_ going to let that chance fly away.

\- Jade? she whispers. Jade, are you there?

Slowly, almost comically, a tear wells up at the corner of the woman’s right eye. Kanaya watches in stupefied silence as the tear inflates like a full moon, bright and round, shivers for a while under its own weight, then rolls down Jade’s cold cheek so leisurely it looks like slowed-down footage, which, with all the glitches and the strobes and what not – Kanaya wouldn’t be surprised if that were the case.

The tear ends its course in Jade’s hair next to her neck, and this seems to be some kind of signal, as the moment this first drop disappears, Jade’s eyes get flooded by tears, and her chest constricts in painful, coughed-up little sobs that echo through Kanaya’s ribcage.

\- Oh, no, Kanaya whispers, devastated, no, no, no, please don’t cry, it’s all right, you’ve got this, we’ve got this – I’m going to help, I’m going to find –

Find what? What can she say that will stop Jade from suffering so much? What can she do to end the pain? Kanaya bends her back and tries to hold Jade tighter, elbows digging in stomachs and tears rolling down forearms; Jade’s still crying and still not blinking, her eyelashes now three big wet paintbrushes glued together by dust and tears. Kanaya manages to wriggle three fingers free and frantically wipes the young woman’s cheeks, to no avail: the stream of tears appears endless.

Kanaya feels immeasurably useless.

\- I’m sorry, she croaks.

Jade’s mouth widens a little. It might be a sign. It might be a sigh. Kanaya’s pale pump is still beating hard and its white venom is making it hard to think reasonably; she’s trying to wake Jade up, yes, and make her not kill her, also yes, she’s already said that. Waking and living. Well. Her younger self had a solution to this issue, and this older Kanaya does not have much more experience with dying friends, so.

The kiss she plants on Jade’s cold lips is as soft as a feather, as salty as a sea. She doesn’t remember giving such a chaste kiss ever, or maybe a very long time ago, in a different universe; like everything since this has begun, it tastes of old fears and adventures.

She’s still not a fan.

She’s closed her eyes, partially scared and partially caught in the moment, and when she opens them her breath hitches, for the eyes in front of her are definitely looking back.

Jade’s mouths widens even further.

Kanaya, covered in sweat, salty tears on her cheeks, throat purrs still going hard and head so palely fuzzy warm a seadweller might burn themself touching it, grins in what she hopes is a shaky but reassuring smile and not an awkward grimace of pain.

\- Hey, she says.

Looking into the green eyes of her friend, there’s a sudden realisation: she sees consciousness, yes. But no recognition.

She barely has the time to push Jade away before the woman lunges forward with incredible strength and a feral shriek. Drool falls on her skirt and her fingers. Kanaya vaguely hears the crunching of glass, right before Jade’s next attack, and feels absurdly sad about it.

She doesn’t leave her friend enough time to pounce again; Jade turns her head towards her, snarling – and immediately gets sent flying backwards as Kanaya’s foot crushes her ribcage. In a second, the rainbowdrinker has found her balance back; she’s over the young woman in two leaps.

Jade’s eyes are sparkling green and pupil-less; her breathing is a hissy bubble, a faulty leaky pipe. Even from where Kanaya stands she can see the ribs are bent in ways her cotton nightgown cannot conceal.

-I’m sorry, she says, because that’s all she seems able to say in the end.

In the corner of her eyes, Kanaya catches neon bursts of lighting crawl on the grass. Jade’s hissing is dripping with fury.

All it takes for Kanaya is another kick, directly above the heart; the breaking of bones is covered by the crack that preludes the night that preludes the new place.

Her fists stay closed for the entire duration.

When the darkness recedes and Kanaya can breathe again, she finds she is trembling, but it’s not the pale venom, oh no. No, it’s not terror or pity or anything neat: this is anger.

Kanaya is _furious_.

She’s furious at Jade for being so uncooperative – like, gods, please, can’t she see Kanaya is trying to fix something here? Can’t she do anything at all on her end? Hasn’t Kanaya done enough? Couldn’t she at least give her a sign instead of randomly teleporting her into – where is she, anyway, right now? A fucking, what, plane runaway? There’s no planes to be found but dimly-lit hangars break the horizon into rectangular pieces of sky and the road is so big and – and it doesn’t even matter! Kanaya could very well just run off and tell someone else on this planet what’s going on and leave Jade to suffocate for the rest of eternity – she could! She could do this! And she’s not doing it! Matter of fact, she won’t do it, because Kanaya is furious at Jade and the world and everything but she is especially furious at herself, for being useless and clueless and for still having pale tingles running up and down her spine, and! She won’t be! Having it! Anymore!

She finds Jade crumpled on the tarmac facing nothing. She’s still in the same position than she was before and this is a stupid detail but, much like the breaking of glasses made her sad, seeing her like this once again fills Kanaya with rage.

Jade groans when Kanaya shoves her on her back, which in a previous iteration is a thing that could have been taken as a good sign, but Kanaya is not taking good signs anymore: she wants results, and results she is going to get.

She straddles Jade’s legs, weighing down on her, and grabs the young woman’s head. A cascade of heavy black hair falls and rolls on her skin; Jade is making some sound, but she’s not conscious yet. _“Good”_ , Kanaya thinks, _“I’m about to change that”._

It’s a good thing that pale venom does not work on humans, because Kanaya’s lips are still wet with it and she would not be able to deal with a pale Jade right now; the kiss she gives her is hot and forceful, far away from the chaste exchange they had two minutes earlier (though it feels like a thousand days).

Jade does not respond, but Kanaya keeps her lips firmly pressed against hers, breathing through her nose. This time she does not close her eyes. She won’t be making the same mistake twice: a single movement, a single breath out of place and she is out of here.

(Of course, she knows she won’t go away, because she wouldn’t know where to go anyway, and she cannot leave Jade in this sorry state, but if there’s something she’s learnt by being Karkat’s best friend is that it feels nice, sometimes, to be unabashedly angry.)

Jade whimpers quietly; with a flick of her tongue, Kanaya parts her lips open, forces her to breathe:

\- Come on, she mutters, come on, come on...

Eyes, fluttering. Jade’s glasses are askew. Kanaya takes a second to properly set them on her nose before she backs away ever so slightly:

\- I swear, if you try to kill me one more time –

In a second, she’s airborne.

Her back hits the tarmac with an awful thumping sound and the pain shoots up to her ears and head, iron hot and pulsating; but she doesn’t have time to howl, Jade’s already on her. This time Kanaya cannot avoid the hit. Big claws dig furrows in the flesh of her thigh – so far away, they shouldn’t have reached her, fuck – and she smells, before she feels, blood oozing from the wound. She bites down a scream. The Jade in front of her, eyes completely blank, snarls like a rabid wolf.

\- Fuck off, spits Kanaya.

Jade pounces. Kanaya feels her nails nick at the skin of her throat; but Jade’s close, and this is an opportunity. With insane speed, she catches the young woman’s wrist, and _twists_.

Jade’s scream bounces off the road as Kanaya pulls her in, bones making weird angular shapes against her palm; she closes her free hand into a fist and, as Jade falls down on her, aims for the jaw.

The glasses are sent flying when her knuckles collide with Jade’s face.

For a second, Kanaya hopes for victory; there’s a stillness in the young woman, a lack of reaction, neon green fizzling around her hair uncertainly, that makes her think, _yes, I got her to come back_.

This does not last. Jade’s head snaps back in place in a flash of sickeningly neon light, and with a growl, uses her momentum to fall down hard on Kanaya’s legs.

The young troll yelps in shock as Jade’s elbow burrows into the gashes on her thigh; her first instinct is to kick, but Jade’s faster this time, pinning her down, using her own legs as weights. Kanaya feels the woman’s broken fingers pawing at her chest, ripping the skin, trying to wriggle free from the troll’s grasp. Kanaya desperately holds on.

\- Jade, she barks alarmingly, Jade, please, it’s me –

A clawed hand swipes at her face, cutting her off; pain explodes right below Kanaya’s right eye and for a moment her vision gets blurry white. She can hear her breath rattling in her lungs and for a second a single, terrifying thought occupies her head, that no one will ever know where she died.

A glint of light – Jade raising her hand for another strike. Kanaya can stop this one. She forces herself to keep her eyes open and, as the hand lowers, she lunges forward to meet it and bites.

This time, she really does taste blood.

Jade’s hand flings free from her fangs, slicing the skin to ribbons. The woman is shrieking; an absurd amount of blood flows down Kanaya’s chin and runs down her chest. The taste is electric. Kanaya’s head is on fire as she thinks feverishly – Jade’s hands are both out of order, and yes her own legs are fucked but she’s still got her mouth and her claws – fuck, if only she had captchalogued her chainsaw to, to, to tear Jade in pieces, fuck –

Fuck!

Jade is still shrieking when a hand clasps down on her left shoulder, keeping her away. She pushes down on it, but Kanaya holds on, even as neon snakes start to crawl on her forearms and she can hear her skin frying:

\- Jade, please, stop.

She’s still got her blood dripping down her teeth. Jade keeps on pushing, hips rolling with terrible strength, clashing against Kanaya’s. Her sliced-up hand lies exsanguine by her side. Kanaya can feel the adrenaline mixing with the taste of blood and the remnants of the pale secretions; a clear part of her mind (a very small part) tells her she is high on danger and hormones.

\- Jade, I won, stop this, stop fighting, I won, you cannot move anymore, you cannot even control your powers – it’s useless, please, please, fuck, Jade –

Jade whimpers for sole answer. Kanaya clenches her teeth hard:

\- Jade, if you do not tell me how to help you, I will kill you, and I frankly do not wish to do so a third time – you have hurt me enough, I’ve hurt you even more, let’s try to keep our heads clear, and – oh gods, can you please stop _whining_?

But Jade does not, unsurprisingly, seem to have heard her; rather, her moans become louder, a bit more forceful, and really, in any other situation, Kanaya would have thought she was doing it on purpose, but Kanaya is not thinking that (okay, maybe a little, because she is _delirious_ ), because she is trying to survive, and –

uh –

\- Uh, she says. Jade. Are you.

Jade’s eyes are closed. Her brows are furrowed, blood and sweat splattered in a mess of green and red freckles over her face, leaning on her broken arm as if oblivious to the pain; the bent fingers are twitching on their own on Kanaya’s chest, but not trying to harm – no, it looks like Jade is trying to keep herself propped up, but she is not pushing against Kanaya’s arm as much as leaning on it, lips parted on a mess of blood and drool. The vicious movements of her hips have slowed down, too: Kanaya feels her weight shift in regular, jerky motions against the wounds of her thighs.

And she’s. Still whimpering.

\- Are you – Jade Harley, are you _grinding_ on my _legs_? In the middle of our _fight_?

She didn’t really mean for her voice to get so shrill, but Jade’s head falls a bit forward, pouring rivers of black hair on Kanaya’s hands, and she lets out a moan, bloody and wet and loud and most definitely _not_ pained, and, yes. She’s. Doing that.

For a moment, all that’s left of Kanaya’s rational thinkpan simply short-circuits.

Thankfully, and because Kanaya has manners (unlike _some_ people, gods, why is that even _happening_!), this does not last long: in a powerful flash of clarity, the young troll desperately snatches the remains of her coherent thoughts from her burning shame, pieces them back together, and pushes herself to think, think, gods does she need to think:

Yes, all right, Jade Harley, or the unconscious feral puppet replacing Jade Harley, is currently – and she feels her cheeks heat up and there’s a familiar twist low in her belly like she’s seven again – going at it on her lonesome (and on Kanaya’s knees), but, good news (probably?), she doesn’t appear to be in a murderous rage anymore, and really, it’s the small victories. And after all, Jade only seemed to wake up after some physical contact, so if that’s what it takes –

Yeah, all right, but no, she can’t do that to her friend – with her friend, whatever, Jade is not conscious of what she’s doing! Or, well, to an extent – and Jade is very obviously not waiting for her to solve this moral conundrum anyway, as she pushes harder against Kanaya’s thighs, scowling and whining like a disgruntled grub. The young troll hisses when the nightgown dips into her wounds. She really has to do something about this whole situation.

Well! Jade is doing better, not counting the skinned hand by her side, so maybe talking, again, will help? Yes, yes, good idea that, talking, and not moving an inch, and maybe Kanaya can get out of this guilt and shame-free.

(This, if hearing Jade’s moans didn’t cause her guts to melt pleasantly already, gods, she’d forgotten how loud she could be – is she even really sure there’s no one around? A bit too late to worry, but still...)

\- Jade, come on, this is ridiculous, she mutters, cheeks aflame.

The young woman joyfully ignores her. Kanaya’s arms are getting cramped. Hesitantly, she moves on to another tactic:

\- You’re... You’re doing really good. Are you coming back to your senses? Because I, uh, I can definitely see that.

She is, by most standards, not “doing really good”, but it’s as good of a lie as anything she’s said before. Jade’s head perks up a little as she hears Kanaya’s voice, making a strangled, inquisitive moan as her hips pick up pace. Kanaya swallows audibly.

\- You’re... This is nice. You are doing amazing. You’re coming back, aren’t you? You’re doing this on purpose? This is really good. You’re very strong. You are so good.

Jade squints (ah, yes, the glasses, long lost, could have been useful now) then shakes her head. There’s a hint of a confused expression on her face. Her cheeks are flushed; Kanaya can see black strands of hair swirling on her forehead, glued to the skin by sweat and blood. She tentatively lets go of the young woman’s broken hand; when her fingers finally reach her face, Jade nuzzles against her palm, panting feverishly. Pain and arousal are mixing in Kanaya’s guts, making her see stars, and it’s getting frustratingly hard to think straight.

\- Oh, hells, she whispers dejectedly before speaking up again: you look amazing. You are – _fuck_ , Jade – you’re doing so well. You’re going to snap out of this, aren’t you? We’re going to get out of this. You – okay, please, could you just...

The pain on her wounded thigh is becoming nearly unbearable. Kanaya clenches her jaw and slowly try to shift her legs so Jade falls on her right knee. The young woman lets herself be moved with absurd easiness, and Kanaya feels the weight on the gashes alleviate. She breathes again, not for long, however – the new angle is a bit weird, Jade is much closer than she was before, still rubbing against her hand like a young dog begging for attention. This is starting to get too much; Kanaya can feel her bulge trashing around in its sheath. Hurriedly, she says:

\- Jade, Jade, please, focus. You’re doing an amazing job, you are very brave, and awesome in many ways – please, focus, we are getting out of here together, you are – _ah_ , fuck – you are coming back, please, come back here, come back to me –

Green bursts of electricity fizzle and flash around Jade’s hair like a neon halo; the green eyes, so alien, begin to lose their glow, as Jade’s voice flies higher, sharper, and Kanaya presses her on:

\- Yes, yes, go on, go on, you can do it, you are good here. Go on!

The green light flickers in Jade’s irises, and Kanaya’s bloodpusher jumps when she’s met with the brown, dark stare of Jade, and – yes, yes, she sees it, clear as day it’s Jade, the real one, the one who knows her:

\- Jade!

Yes, here it is, there is recognition in her stare.

It does not last.

Kanaya stutters:

\- No, no, Jade, you’re good, you’re fine you’re safe –

But it’s too late, and there’s nothing she can do; without a single word, Jade conjures a gun – her grandpa’s pistol, Kanaya knows it, Kanaya knows so much about this woman – and holds it straight below her mouth.

The shot rips her jaw clean off. Kanaya screws her eyes shut tight, but she’s not quick enough, she sees it, the eyes, the teeth, the tongue, all blown away.

It took a second at most.

Kanaya can just begin to feel the blood pool up on her stomach before she hears the sound of universes ripping. This time, she doesn’t open her eyes to face the darkness and its billions of unwavering stars: she keeps her eyes closed, even as she lands, whole again, a fresh new start.

She keeps them shut.

She keeps them shut and stays like this as her thought process laboriously kicks itself awake once again, and she leaves her brain running without her for a while, assessing things without letting her know, up until the point something pings in her mind:

this time, in the darkness, she’s heard something. And this something sounded an awful lot like her name, followed by an apology, in the voice of someone she knows quite well. Of course, it lasted a second.

It’s not easy information to process. Kanaya gives herself the time to digest the news, really take them in, and what they mean.

What does that mean? Is Jade stuck in the dark back there? Is she aware of everything Kanaya went through, and has made her go through? Is she in control of anything at all? Is she the reason why Kanaya is now standing in this new foreign place, and has been doing so for – how long, now? Time is a blur, an ironic feat considering what she’s dealing with. Can Jade be talked to in this vast emptiness?

Well. She’ll have to find out next time. At least, Jade knows she’s here. She’s not... Gone, or dead, or... At least a part of her is reachable. And Kanaya will reach her. It’s just a matter of time and patience. Yes.

Still, she keeps her eyes closed a minute again. After what she opens them to face an empty beach station. Sun umbrellas bloom on the sand like alien cacti in dark silhouettes pressed against the blue cover of the night. The waves are quiet, licking the soles of Jade’s feet, down and unmoving a hundred feet away.

Kanaya takes the time to breathe in, breathe out. The air tastes like salt, which almost triggers an automatic pale response – but, no. She’s got this.

Once she’s calmed down enough, she grabs her skirt, and, decisively, walks up the beach towards what seem to be deserted food shops and cafes. This time, she needs a bit of preparation.

It’s much easier to bring Jade to a lamppost than to find heavy-enough items to get back to the beach; Kanaya is aware of the awkwardness of Jade’s position, and that this is the least discreet place she could possibly do anything in, but this was the most convenient option. Admittedly, the fact that dragging her away had stretched the horrifying flesh thread thing she’d seen before behind her, leaving a distorted Jade-shaped mass of _stuff_ in the sand, had been a concern, but she can’t really afford to be picky.

Now, to hope that she can make this quick.

When Jade emerges from her slumber, panic kicks in and she starts snarling, as Kanaya expected. However, this time, and for the troll’s greatest satisfaction, surprise topples rage when Jade tries to go for the kill, and... Can’t. Kanaya lets a victory smile bloom on her lips.

\- Are we good? she says.

Jade spits at her in fury. It falls short, but Kanaya knows she would have deserved it. Really, she shouldn’t brag so much. She quickly assesses the strength of the ropes tying Jade’s wrists and arms together to the lamppost they’re under: she was scared that Jade would simply break them off (these were decorative ropes, found in a boat-themed cafe now in probable need of a new backdoor), but these props prove themselves to be sturdier than they look. Jade thrashes around and screams and howls, but she can’t do much tied up like this, and that’s what Kanaya hoped for.

Above their heads, the lamppost’s light flickers wildly. Kanaya’s hair stands up on her neck; Jade’s eyes seem to be stealing surrounding lights, glowing greener and brighter than ever. Well – yes, she’s trying to restrain a god, after all. Better get this over with.

She gingerly steps back a little, sitting between Jade’s legs, avoiding the mass of awful flesh matter thing, and... Once again, doubt overcomes her.

It’s just that... She knows it helps, she doesn’t know what else to do, and she’s fooled around with Jade before, but – but this does not excuse anything, she knows this as well. Her hand hovers above the hem of Jade’s nightgown, indecisive. Finally, Kanaya bites her lips:

\- We will talk about this, she swears.

Jade stops jumping around like a fish out of water and raises her head as high as she can, panting in anger, to look her directly in the eyes. Energy crackles around her like a brewing storm. Kanaya hastens:

\- I’ll make it quick. Lie down. Be quiet.

Quickly, to stop herself from hesitating any more, she lifts the nightgown up to Jade’s stomach. The night air is not cold, but a bit chilly, and Jade’s legs jerk involuntarily; Kanaya quickly sets her hands on her thighs to keep her still (jadebloods are not especially known for being warm, but she feels like she’s on fire for some reason). It works, anyway: Jade goes perfectly immobile.

Her underwear is pure white, catches the light as if highlighted so that Kanaya can’t seem to look elsewhere; the young troll licks her lips, once, twice – maybe there’s still another way, maybe...

Gently, as gently as possible, she places her hands on Jade’s hipbones, tracing smooth, slow patterns on the brown skin. The young woman has gone incredibly quiet. Kanaya can feel her stare burning through her skull, which is something she would not be surprised if that were the case – as she said, dealing with a goddess.

She can’t bring herself to lock eyes with her. Instead, she decides to focus on the task at hand, and slowly lowers her head.

The very moment her lips brush against the white cotton of Jade’s underwear, the young woman buckles her hips with a shocked little gasp; Kanaya finds herself with a mouthful of clothing and has to push Jade down to breathe again. There’s already a bitter taste on her lips. A blush creeps on her cheeks.

\- Gods, Jade, get yourself together, she whispers before settling back between her thighs.

She’s decided to try to get her off clothed; a silly thing, perhaps, a smokescreen to try to salvage her dignity, but Jade does not seem to mind. Kanaya makes her tongue flat, and slides it lowly against her slit, once, twice. Jade’s legs jerk on each side of her head. Why did she ever think Jade’s skin was cold? The heat is almost suffocating. She knows she’s going to start chirping like (a troll in heat) an insect any second now.

She goes back up to press her lips against her clit and darts the tiniest bit of tongue to roll against it. She does her best to be gentle, calming – certainly, that’s what worked best before – but Jade is not having it, it seems. The young woman insistently puts her hips forward, looking for pressure, and she’s starting to moan impatiently. Kanaya has no choice but go at it harder; she closes her eyes and opens her mouth a bit wider, careful not to nick her with her fangs.

Her own saliva is getting thicker, bitter with Jade’s wetness. She can’t pretend to be surprised when her throat rumbles with chirps so loud they’d make red actors jealous; she can feel the vibrations course through Jade’s flesh and the young woman starts to shiver. Her high-pitch moans bounce off the walls of the restaurants. So much for discretion – who can Kanaya pray to in these times of need? She tries to muffle her own chirping, but Jade’s taste is intoxicating, and pings of arousal pierce her belly right above her bulge, which has started to coil around itself, not fully out but making a mess of her skirt and thighs, and it’s – it’s just, a lot to not focus on, maybe too much for her – fuck, she knows she’s got a little bit of an oral fixation maybe this wasn’t the right –

\- _More_ , a voice booms in the night.

Kanaya almost jumps out of her skin and looks around in fear, her horns bumping into Jade’s knees who makes a little noise of protestation, but the young troll really doesn’t have excuses in mind. She frantically searches the promenade for a silhouette, a scent, anything – but no, there’s no one, or maybe – aliens, very well hidden, somewhere against the wind? She –

\- _More_ , the voice says again, and this time it’s pleading, muffled with want, and Kanaya’s eyes widen.

\- Jade? she squeals.

The young woman half-open eyes fall on her, glowing as bright as ever. When she opens her mouth, Kanaya swears she hears static, at first:

\- _More, please, more._

Yes, this – that’s her voice! It’s fuzzy around the edges like poorly-recorded audio, an old tune played on an old machine – but that’s her, that’s Jade, and she’s not trying to kill her!

Kanaya tries to contain her enthusiasm – this has not been good to her before – but it’s hard when her head feels so light and hot and her bloodpusher tries to break through her chest:

\- Jade, it’s me – talk to me, please! Do you know where we are? Do you know what happened to you?

A little petulant sob escapes from Jade’s mouth, and she eagerly pushes her hips toward Kanaya, who jumps again:

\- I can’t –

She hastily retracts her claws and, abandoning all pretences, shoves her hand down Jade’s underwear. The young woman cries out in delight. Kanaya swallows hard; Jade’s incredibly wet, and her skin is burning hot, fever high, the likes of a rustblood. She quickly pinches her clit between two of her fingers and starts rolling, her ring and pinky fingers teasing her open. Jade stutters something inaudible. Kanaya has troubles concentrating:

\- Jade, Jade, can you talk to me? Please, talk to me!

\- _S’good_ , stammers Jade. _S’nice. I’m_.

Gods, why is this happening! Kanaya does her best to contain her frustration:

\- Yes, yes, this is all very nice – Jade, I am begging you, I need you to be focused. What is happening? How can I help you? Where are you?

_\- It’s – it’s..._

Kanaya’s fingers slip a bit; her thumb is pressing against Jade’s clitoris, middle and ring finger deep inside her now. Lights and colours flicker in Kanaya’s field of vision. It’s funny, and by funny she thinks scary, how reminiscent this whole thing is of the game.

\- Please, Jade.

_\- It’s – ah – it’s nice, it’s good, Kan. I’m – I’m dying, I’m gonna die, I –_

\- No, no, you’re not going to die. I will assist you in any way I can. We can figure this out, can’t we? I know Space –

\- and this time, she definitely feels it, a shockwave of something through the universe – it’s a shudder that shakes every molecule in the atmosphere, something she finds herself connected to by a single hook digging deep into her stomach, the focal point of a swirling spiral scar she cannot get rid of.

Space is a heavy word, spilling its content on her teeth and on her shirt. She swallows it back to the best of her abilities:

\- I know this all, I can help you, please, you just have to tell me –

She curls her fingers and Jade’s hips start to move in waves, so eager it looks almost desperate. The lamppost’s light is making a sound close to something sizzling. She gasps for air:

\- _It’s – can’t help, not this thing, not me – it’s not –_

\- That’s not you? Is this not you? Where are you?

\- _Don’t, don’t, you’ll get – hmm, ah – you’ll get lost, in it, the –_

\- Jade, please, tell me where you are!

_\- It’s torn apart, it’s torn apa – ah, ah, Kanaya, fuck –_

\- How do I fix it, then? How do I fix you?

Jade’s screaming is almost deafening now. The tremors in the fabric of reality are getting stronger and stronger, shaking Kanaya to her core, and Jade looks at her with fearful, glimmering eyes:

_\- Let me – let me – end it, please, please, I can’t –_

Kanaya can’t say a word, and it’s not a protest but it’s not an accord either, but Jade does not understand, or does not care; there’s a spasm, a green light exploding right below her mouth, and Kanaya still has her hand deep into Jade but she is forced to witness this -

 – Jade’s lack of throat – disappeared, not there, a glitch in the character model if not for the blood everywhere, gods the blood –

and then, the familiar black.

Maybe she hears an apology. Maybe not.

Her hand, lips, thighs are perfectly dry when she sets foot on another sand dune. High above her head, corteges of flying ships illuminate the sky. Their procession is slow, noisy, awkward. Traffic jams, maybe. Probably.

Are all of these Jades real, anyway? Are these lands real? She always lands in deserts, in forgotten places; none of Jade’s friends are around, and maybe it’s realities where Jade does not exist, or maybe these are not worlds, but stages, hastily put together for a one-scene play that inevitably ends in blood, a space within a space within a void. Is there a Kanaya on Earth anymore? Is she crumpled on the floor like Jade, insides floating next to her like she left them? Has she gone feral? Did she die?

Maybe the whole thing is done already for those who’ve stayed behind; maybe she does not exist anymore, space pouring to fill the empty slot of her place on Earth C; in both cases, time does not work, because that’s space here, Space, and fuck time, right? Fuck being a god, fuck reality.

She really can’t help it, she would, but she can’t: Kanaya’s legs give up on supporting her, and she spends a while crying and screaming in frustration, in disgust, in abject horror, bulge still slowly coiling around her thighs while Jade, unblinking, lets the sand wash over her.


End file.
